How to prep for postpartum if you are pregnant solo

By sarahkowalski@gmail.com | June 28, 2022

Being pregnant solo can be a rewarding and vulnerable time. In my experience, there are many universal truths about being pregnant, but it is also a unique experience to be pregnant solo. There are simply more things to think through so that you can feel supported and empowered as a new mama.

So, what does a pregnant solo mom by choice need to think about when she’s preparing for postpartum that might be unique to being single? Here’s a list of some of the things I’ve realized from my own experience as well as from working with many pregnant and postpartum SMC’s.

What does an SMC need to think about postpartum?

Utilize services and support. Get as much support from the hospital before you get released. For example, utilize the lactation consultant through the hospital. One client of mine advised that as an SMC don’t go home early if offered. Use the time to rest and have eyes on you and your baby. Some hospitals will have visiting nurse services available to check on you, especially if you’ve had a c-section or complication. Utilize the services available through the hospital, this includes social worker.

Help at the hospital. Consider what help you might need at the hospital–do you want someone to stay in the hospital with you at night? Or people to visit you during the day. If you have a C-section, it can be next to impossible to get out of bed those first few days to get your baby. The nurses can help you, but I found that having a friend with me felt critical in those first few days.

Help at home. Is there someone who can help you in the first few days at home? Especially if you’ve had a c-section? Friends? Family? For some people these first few weeks are easier than others.

Hire help. If you don’t have family or friends, consider hiring a postpartum doula or someone who can give you a few hours break every day. Many SMC’s have someone who can come over early in the morning to watch the baby while mama takes a nap for a few hours to get a few extra precious hours of sleep.

Birth processing. Your birth may not have gone as planned and it’s important to talk to others and process. Let me know if you need to talk or consider joining our postpartum support group so you can share your story. If you’re in my childbirth education class, we plan a reunion just so everyone gets a chance to share their story.

Self-care. Try and get outside every day, just to get some sun on your face, walk around the block, otherwise the days all blur together.

One thing rule. Only plan to do ONE thing out of the house per day–one trip to store, or visit out of house a day–for up to the first 3-6 months. Getting out of the house can be exhausting–keep life simple–pamper yourself and baby. In many cultures, you and baby do not leave house for first 40 days.

Stay well-fed. Have colleagues or friends set up a Meal Train for a minimum of 6 weeks but ideally 3 months. Alternate days for food delivery so you have a meal for 2 or 3 coming every 3 days.

Ask for Help. Have a sign-up sheet at your baby shower or with Meal Train sign up to be on an email list to help you. One SMC I interviewed did this and she emails everyone on that list anytime she needs help. Some people have never responded, but others have become regular helpers. It saves time to do one group email, but also keeps you on people’s radars.

Stay connected. If someone comes to bring food, consider letting them stay to visit and help you. (I loved having visitors come in and visit so I didn’t get too lonely). But, don’t overdo it with too many visitors a day.

Guard your mental health. Have people checking in with you daily. It’s easy to get the Baby blues, or even postpartum depression. And sleep deprivation can take a huge toll on your mental health that you may not realize. Since you don’t have a partner keeping on eye on you, it’s important that someone does.

What did I miss? What felt important for you to consider for postpartum.

Was it helpful to think about postpartum from the perspective of SMC’s? I provide 10-week Childbirth Education Class for SMC’s roughly every 11 weeks. Next one begins July 13th, 2022. I co-teach with Betsy Freeman, a Certified Nurse Midwife and fellow SMC. We focus on everything you need to know about giving birth, but leave tons of space for you to check-in and be seen in your SMC pregnancy journey. Plus, we regularly tailor the topics to focus specifically on what SMC’s need to consider. Join me and Betsy here or reach out to me to discuss more.

Betsy and I also host a postpartum support group. It’s been a lifeline for the women there to have a forum to chat about everything that’s coming up, process birth stories, lactation and sleep advice and more. We meet every other week on Tuesdays at 10am PST/1pm EST.

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Success. You are subscribed to my mailing list --The Plan C Mama. Enjoy my monthly musings, resources and updates all about navigating and celebrating all paths to motherhood. I'm so excited to be in touch! Why Plan C? Well, motherhood rarely comes the way we hoped or expected. Sometimes we have to move well beyond our original vision. In my case, Plan B was to become a single mother by choice, using an anonymous sperm donor. I ended up at what I affectionately call Plan C because I needed to use an egg donor as well. Even if your plans didn't work out as we expected (psst, it never really does), don't let it stop you from embracing your unique path. So that we can get to know each other better , I want to share my story with you and why it put me on a mission to help women all over the world do whatever it takes to become a mother--if they decide that’s what they want. As a child, I was obsessed with babies. If anyone asked me if I wanted kids when I grew up, I would exuberantly respond that I wanted eleven babies (I know, right? Eleven??) I distinctly remember stalking a pregnant mother in my neighborhood, asking if I could care for her child once it was born. She obliged and I spent every day after school at her house. You could basically say that loving babies and kids was my hobby. But somewhere along the way, I lost my conviction and clarity. I went to college and law school, graduated at the top of my class, and got a job at a prestigious law firm during the dot-com boom in Silicon Valley. I was focused on my career and worked insane hours. Dating, however, was not my best skill, and I wasn’t taking any intentional steps to find "the one." When people asked me if I wanted kids, I would always say, "I don’t know. It’s a decision I want to make together with my partner once I find him." In contrast, most of my friends who wanted babies were deliberate and intentional about their dating efforts. They spent time on dating sites, went out specifically to meet men, even hired matchmakers. Soon, they moved on to marriage and began having kids. But I just never found him. However, I was fast approaching 40 and there was still no partner in sight. As I faced the closing of my fertility window, I realized I needed to think about whether or not I truly wanted children ... with or without someone to co-parent with. I wasn't panicked though. Friends all around me were having babies in their late 30s and 40s. My own mother had me when she was 39. I thought that, if anything, my generation had proven that having a baby later in life is possible and, in some ways, more desirable. It took me over a year of contemplation to decide to take the leap into solo motherhood. As much as I loved children, I wasn’t certain that I was ready to give up my freedom and life of spontaneity. Who would I be if I couldn’t travel the world, go see various spiritual teachers on a whim, stay out late dancing, and sample all the best restaurants and music festivals? The flip side started to seep in too though: Would life get boring for me if I only had to focus on myself? At some point would I get bored of travel, retreats and dancing? Already, the last few times I had traveled somewhere exotic, it didn't have the same allure. The intense drive of my spontaneous life was fading. Something else was calling me. I was looking for something ... more. And then one day, my teacher said to me, "Have you noticed that you cry every time you talk about not having a baby?" It was true! And that was a startling realization. But, as I considered the idea of solo mothering, I just kept thinking: This isn't the way I thought my life would unfold! I had to mourn the life I thought I was meant to have and re-imagine the remainder of my life unfolding an entirely new way. My greatest fear was — Would I be alone forever if I have a baby by myself? Who would want to date a single mom? I was also deeply concerned about financial stability. How would I manage alone — financially, emotionally, logistically? What if I lost my job? Or couldn’t work again due to physical pain? My teacher reminded me that nothing in life is ever certain. People who find the love of their life end up divorced, cheated on, and even widowed. Happy couples remain childless due to infertility. No one's "dream life" is promised to them. And, everyone's job safety is impossible to predict. I could freak out about having a baby alone and miss my chance at becoming a mother, or I could lean into the uncertainty and let the rest of my life unfold as it was meant to. Having a child alone did not necessarily mean I’d never meet a life partner. It might mean delaying the partner for several years, or it might mean that being pregnant would make me feel amazing and sexy and call in the partner I’d always dreamed about. It was truly impossible to predict. Then, one day in meditation, I had a vision of a little girl in a frilly, pink dress riding on a swing on a glorious spring day. In that moment, I knew — I wanted to become a mother more than anything. All of my indecision vanished in an instant! I was ready. I wanted to be of service in some way, and I realized I wanted to be of service to a child. (Of course, at the time, I had NO idea just how much surrender and sacrifice motherhood would entail!) I researched the logistics and started trying to conceive a child alone with the use of an Identity-Release donor (which is an amazing process, by the way, but that's a story for another day). But then, my OB/GYN informed me that if I wanted to have a baby, I’d likely have to use an egg donor. WHAT? This was definitely not part of the plan! I refused to listen and instead spent a year trying to get pregnant with my own eggs (I won’t even start trying to explain the lengths I went to on that front) I finally accepted that I'd need to use both a sperm and an egg donor. I finally came to terms with having a baby via egg donation and I have no regrets. On April 3, 2014 my son was born. Happily. Gloriously. A beautiful, healthy, amazing son. And, I can’t imagine a more perfect union. I have no doubt I got the child I was meant to have. Motherhood is about love, plain and simple ... no matter how complicated the journey is getting there. You can read my whole story in my new book: Motherhood Reimagined: When Becoming A Mother Doesn’t Go As Planned: A Memoir. It’s due out Oct. 17th but you can pre-order your copy now. All My Best, Sarah Kowalski Founder Motherhood Reimagined Best Wishes, Sarah

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged postpartum depression, pregnant