Stacy tried for 8 years to have a baby. “Infertility is such a dark tunnel and it’s really really easy to get sucked up into that dark tunnel.” –Stacy
After trying with her own eggs, Stacy had to get really clear about why she wanted to have a baby. Specifically she had to decide whether she wanted to have a baby if it meant adopting or using an egg donor or other methods. “At some point I had the question pop up into my head, do you want to be a biological mother or do you want to be a mother? And the answer to that was a resounding I want to be a mother, so I started pursuing adoption.” — Stacy
Stacy’s journey continued through many more twists and turns. She turned to adoption and was chosen by a birth mother who changed her mind days after the baby was born. And she also tried surrogacy only to be jilted by her surrogate. To say she suffered some heartaches would be an incredible understatement. “I had been jilted by a surrogate, and I had been bailed out on by birth parents, and I had had many miscarriages, so you can understand why I didn’t believe any of this was going to come to fruition.”
But then one day here’s what happened in Stacy’s own words:
In one day, after eight years of doggedly pursuing motherhood to no avail, I received TWO phone calls in a 24-hour period, that changed my world forever.
At 12:30 am, I received a call from Lindsay, my gestational surrogate, telling me she had gotten a positive on a pregnancy test. I spent that day alternating between being on cloud nine and too terrified to believe and hope that in nine months, my motherhood dreams would come true. Because, in the past, several pregnancies had miscarried, and a surrogate had actually absconded with my intended daughter (a whole other story).
Ten hours later, at 10 pm, I received the second call, from an amazing young woman who asked me if I was interested in adopting the child she was carrying. My head spun. She knew I was hoping to be chosen for adoption but had heard that my surrogate was pregnant (we had a common friend) and thought I might not still be interested! Um. Hell yes, I was!!!!! But once again, I was afraid to believe because, in the past, a bio-mom had changed her mind 3 days before the birth.
Suddenly, my motherhood dreams might come true, times two!!! But I could also be in for a double dose of heartbreak. Again.
My head SPUN. Could it be, that after eight long years of heartbreak and perseverance, I could be doubly blessed????? From that day, to the day my daughter was born, I was so afraid to hope that I spent that month with my head down, counting the minutes going by, not saying a word to anyone. Terrified to have to unring yet another bell.
Well, Eliana really came to me, and she rocked my world. She healed my heart. She shined brightness and light into every corner of my life. She changed absolutely everything. Thank G-d!!!!!
Then, Selah came six months after that. LOL. Then shit got real! I had a newborn and a six-month-old! My wildest dreams had come true.
I will always celebrate the joyous anniversary of the day the tide turned for me. When promises DID come to fruition. When empty and aching arms were banished into a fading memory and my life and heart became so full that it defies even my best attempts at description.
I am, now and always, in a state of profound gratitude. To the people whose love and sacrifice made my most heartfelt dream come true.
If you want to read more about Stacy’s adoption check out this article she wrote. We are already planning a second and third interview to dive into the nitty gritty of the surrogacy and adoption processes.
I recently interviewed Stacy on my new podcast. We talk about a whole lot more in the episode so head on over and listen to all the other things we discussed.
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Enjoy my monthly musings, resources and updates all about navigating and celebrating all paths to motherhood. I'm so excited to be in touch!
Why Plan C? Well, motherhood rarely comes the way we hoped or expected. Sometimes we have to move well beyond our original vision. In my case, Plan B was to become a single mother by choice, using an anonymous sperm donor. I ended up at what I affectionately call Plan C because I needed to use an egg donor as well.
Even if your plans didn't work out as we expected (psst, it never really does), don't let it stop you from embracing your unique path.
So that we can get to know each other better , I want to share my story with you and why it put me on a mission to help women all over the world do whatever it takes to become a mother--if they decide that’s what they want.
As a child, I was obsessed with babies. If anyone asked me if I wanted kids when I grew up, I would exuberantly respond that I wanted eleven babies (I know, right? Eleven??) I distinctly remember stalking a pregnant mother in my neighborhood, asking if I could care for her child once it was born. She obliged and I spent every day after school at her house. You could basically say that loving babies and kids was my hobby.
But somewhere along the way, I lost my conviction and clarity. I went to college and law school, graduated at the top of my class, and got a job at a prestigious law firm during the dot-com boom in Silicon Valley. I was focused on my career and worked insane hours. Dating, however, was not my best skill, and I wasn’t taking any intentional steps to find "the one." When people asked me if I wanted kids, I would always say, "I don’t know. It’s a decision I want to make together with my partner once I find him."
In contrast, most of my friends who wanted babies were deliberate and intentional about their dating efforts. They spent time on dating sites, went out specifically to meet men, even hired matchmakers. Soon, they moved on to marriage and began having kids.
But I just never found him.
However, I was fast approaching 40 and there was still no partner in sight.
As I faced the closing of my fertility window, I realized I needed to think about whether or not I truly wanted children ... with or without someone to co-parent with. I wasn't panicked though. Friends all around me were having babies in their late 30s and 40s. My own mother had me when she was 39. I thought that, if anything, my generation had proven that having a baby later in life is possible and, in some ways, more desirable.
It took me over a year of contemplation to decide to take the leap into solo motherhood. As much as I loved children, I wasn’t certain that I was ready to give up my freedom and life of spontaneity.
Who would I be if I couldn’t travel the world, go see various spiritual teachers on a whim, stay out late dancing, and sample all the best restaurants and music festivals?
The flip side started to seep in too though: Would life get boring for me if I only had to focus on myself? At some point would I get bored of travel, retreats and dancing?
Already, the last few times I had traveled somewhere exotic, it didn't have the same allure. The intense drive of my spontaneous life was fading. Something else was calling me. I was looking for something ... more.
And then one day, my teacher said to me, "Have you noticed that you cry every time you talk about not having a baby?"
It was true! And that was a startling realization. But, as I considered the idea of solo mothering, I just kept thinking: This isn't the way I thought my life would unfold! I had to mourn the life I thought I was meant to have and re-imagine the remainder of my life unfolding an entirely new way.
My greatest fear was — Would I be alone forever if I have a baby by myself? Who would want to date a single mom?
I was also deeply concerned about financial stability.
How would I manage alone — financially, emotionally, logistically? What if I lost my job? Or couldn’t work again due to physical pain?
My teacher reminded me that nothing in life is ever certain.
People who find the love of their life end up divorced, cheated on, and even widowed. Happy couples remain childless due to infertility. No one's "dream life" is promised to them. And, everyone's job safety is impossible to predict.
I could freak out about having a baby alone and miss my chance at becoming a mother, or I could lean into the uncertainty and let the rest of my life unfold as it was meant to. Having a child alone did not necessarily mean I’d never meet a life partner. It might mean delaying the partner for several years, or it might mean that being pregnant would make me feel amazing and sexy and call in the partner I’d always dreamed about. It was truly impossible to predict.
Then, one day in meditation, I had a vision of a little girl in a frilly, pink dress riding on a swing on a glorious spring day. In that moment, I knew — I wanted to become a mother more than anything. All of my indecision vanished in an instant! I was ready.
I wanted to be of service in some way, and I realized I wanted to be of service to a child. (Of course, at the time, I had NO idea just how much surrender and sacrifice motherhood would entail!)
I researched the logistics and started trying to conceive a child alone with the use of an Identity-Release donor (which is an amazing process, by the way, but that's a story for another day).
But then, my OB/GYN informed me that if I wanted to have a baby, I’d likely have to use an egg donor. WHAT? This was definitely not part of the plan!
I refused to listen and instead spent a year trying to get pregnant with my own eggs (I won’t even start trying to explain the lengths I went to on that front) I finally accepted that I'd need to use both a sperm and an egg donor.
I finally came to terms with having a baby via egg donation and I have no regrets.
On April 3, 2014 my son was born. Happily. Gloriously. A beautiful, healthy, amazing son. And, I can’t imagine a more perfect union. I have no doubt I got the child I was meant to have.
Motherhood is about love, plain and simple ... no matter how complicated the journey is getting there.
You can read my whole story in my new book: Motherhood Reimagined: When Becoming A Mother Doesn’t Go As Planned: A Memoir. It’s due out Oct. 17th but you can pre-order your copy now.
All My Best,