
A Decade of Love, and Laughter: Lessons from 10 Years as a Single Mom By Choice
A Decade of Love, Laughter, and Lessons: Celebrating 10 Years as an SMC
What are the lessons from 10 years as a single mother by choice? As I sit down to reflect, I’m amazed that it’s already been a decade since I gave birth to Aiden. It feels like just yesterday I was navigating the uncharted waters of becoming a single mom by choice, armed with hope and countless questions.
Reflecting on these ten years of solo mothering, I’ve learned invaluable lessons, shared countless laughs, and yes, shed a few tears. I’m excited to share these insights, not just as reflections but as guiding lights for anyone on the path to becoming a single mom by choice or considering this brave choice. Here’s what I’ve learned:
1. The Badge of Courage
Stepping into single motherhood by choice, especially as we navigate a decade of raising our children, is viewed by many as a bold, admirable choice. We are seen not just as mothers but as pioneers, often admired for our bravery in challenging societal norms. You will likely be surprised how friends, family, and even strangers react to the knowledge that you are doing it alone. More often than not, instead of judgment, you receive admiration, even a touch of awe. It’s like we’ve unlocked a secret level of strength and determination that many find inspiring.
2. Building Your Support Team:
Going solo doesn’t mean being alone. It’s taught me the vital importance of building a strong support network. This includes therapists, parenting coaches, friends, family, and other single moms by choice. This team has become my go-to in moments of need, helping balance the solitude that can sometimes come with single parenthood. It’s been said that “Solo, doesn’t mean alone,” and I can say with confidence that you will need and want a big support team–so you won’t be alone.
My parenting coach, Vanessa Callaghan, said she sees that single moms by choice, build vibrant support systems and are less insular than couples who tend to self-isolate more. Knowing you have a tribe of people who understand your journey and are there to cheer you on makes all the difference.
3. Open Dialogues About Father Figures
One of the questions I got asked most when I decided to become an SMC was how I would handle the “father figure” conversation with my child. Honestly, I was a bit nervous about it too! But I’ve found that being open and honest with Aiden about his origins has been the best approach. Kids are naturally curious, and Aiden’s questions about his donor dad have ranged from the profound to the hilarious. I can’t predict the wacky things your child might say, but I can guarantee you will be caught off guard at some point. And, I’ve learned not to shy away from the conversation. I just need to stay open and curious to any and all of his questions and theories. It’s crucial to address my son Aiden’s feelings about father figures. By maintaining open dialogues, I help him understand that being different doesn’t mean being deficient. We’ve found ways to fulfill those needs differently, acknowledging the value of male role models in his life. If you want guidance on how to talk to your child about being donor-conceived, be sure to check out my free guide at the end of this post.
4. The Non-Negotiable of Self-Care
Self-care isn’t just bubble baths and spa days (although those are nice too!). It’s about prioritizing my well-being so I can be the best mom to Aiden. It’s the lifeline that keeps me resilient and energized, embodying the ‘oxygen mask’ principle. Whether it’s a quick workout, a few minutes of meditation, or simply carving out some time for a hobby I enjoy, taking care of myself allows me to be more present and patient for Aiden.
5. Embracing the Chaos:
Life as a single mom is rarely predictable. There have been countless times when I’ve had to pivot, adjust, and improvise on the fly. But these curveballs have taught me to adapt and thrive, often in ways I never anticipated. My resilience surprises me every time, fueled by creativity and determination.
6. The Art of Creative Financing:
Managing finances as an SMC has definitely had its challenges. But it’s also forced me to become incredibly resourceful. I’ve become a “think outside of the box” solution generator when it comes to budgeting, saving, and finding ways to give Aiden a fulfilling life. Simplicity brings joy—Aiden loves exploring nature more than fancy toys.
7. Vulnerability as Strength
I used to think I had to be the “strong one” all the time for Aiden. But I’ve learned that allowing him to see my vulnerability, to witness me navigating life’s ups and downs, is actually a powerful teaching tool. It shows him that it’s okay to not have all the answers, to ask for help, and to find our footing slowly.
8. Welcoming the Unknown:
Becoming a single mom by choice means embracing a certain level of uncertainty. But I’ve come to realize that this acceptance of the unknown has made me more adaptable and resilient, not just as a parent, but in all areas of my life. My resolve is unshaken, guided by my child’s needs.
9. Parenting as a Spiritual Path:
These past ten years haven’t just been about raising Aiden; they’ve been about raising myself. Motherhood, particularly as a single mom by choice, has become my most profound spiritual teacher. It’s challenged my ego, cracked open my heart, and led me to a deeper understanding of unconditional love, patience, and presence than I ever thought possible. Through the sleepless nights, the endless piles of laundry, and the inevitable tantrums, I’ve found unexpected moments of grace, connection, and profound spiritual growth. Aiden’s laughter is my mantra, his hugs my meditation, and his constant capacity for wonder a reminder to approach each day with a beginner’s mind.
10. Redefining Success:
“Success” as a single mom doesn’t always fit the traditional mold. It’s not about climbing the corporate ladder or achieving some picture-perfect ideal. It’s about raising a kind, compassionate, and resilient human being. It’s about those everyday victories – a messy kitchen table covered in art supplies, bedtime stories that end in giggles, and the unconditional love that fills our home. These are the moments that truly matter, the ones that define my version of success.
Ten Years Strong, a Lifetime to Go:
As I celebrate this 10-year milestone, I’m filled with a sense of gratitude for the journey, for the lessons learned, and for the incredible bond I share with my son. There will undoubtedly be new challenges and unexpected detours along the way, but I face them with an open heart and the unwavering knowledge that I am not alone. To all the single moms by choice out there, whether you’re just starting your journey or you’re a seasoned pro, know that you are seen, you are valued, and you are doing an amazing job.
Here’s to the next decade of adventures, lessons, and love.
P.S. I’d love to hear about your journey, lessons, and victories.